Winter is here and I hate my life. Why? Because I forgot my jacket. And it’s freezing. As a matter of fact, it was 50 degrees yesterday and when I woke up this morning it was snowing. Really? Remember all those things in your life that you didn’t care about because it was nice weather? Like not being able to get a haircut because you barely have money for food. Or perhaps remembering that you have to go to work for the rest of your life until you’re dead or too old to take advantage of retirement. Those things now suck again because it’s pitch black at 4 PM. Where the hell are you sun? I miss you. I miss your vitamin D. I miss the hot girls that flock to you. I miss the crazy, possibly homeless guy on the corner of 26th and Park who wears nothing but a thong and Statue of Liberty crown (call me crazy, but I’m 100% serious). You think that guy can survive this weather? Actually, he can and I’ve seem him both summers I’ve been here. Still, he has to change his outfit, and that sucks.
Sure, everyone loves Christmas. I do too and I’m Jewish. But come on now, you think the people in San Diego are saying they can’t celebrate the holidays because it’s too sunny and perfect out? Of course not! They’re asking, “Wow, how are people celebrating Christmas in not 70 degree and sunny weather?” And what’s the novelty behind dreaming of having a white Christmas? To hell with that! How about I’m dreaming of an SPF 50 necessary Christmas! That’s just me though, I have very fair skin.
Some people say, “Dude it evens out, we get an extra hour of sleep here.” I would rather sleep 5 hours a day if I knew it was going to be 70 and sunny every day. This is one of the biggest problems with New York, in my eyes. People have convinced themselves that winter in New York is better than summer. These people can’t be serious. I’d much rather have swamp ass down to my ankles than hoof it through the city in the snow. Others might say, “But the snow is so beautiful!” So are whales, but similar to snow, I prefer to watch them on my television set. And it’s only pretty while it’s snowing. No one talks about how gross it is when it lands. Absorbing all the trash and dirt and muck that normal rain would wash away without any problems. My cousin, who was born in Florida, had never seen snow in person until she was 14. Let that process in your brain for a minute–14 years old! You think she regrets that? Or do you think she wishes she was around snow more often? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the same answer that Justin Bieber got when he asked that Brazilian prostitute to take down that video of him sleeping in her bed. “No fucking way.” I can guarantee you that no one living in a sunny climate is out there saying, “Gosh oh golly! I wish it was snowing right now! Maybe I’ll take a vacation to Russia and get some snow.” Honestly, which part of New York winter is good; the 24/7 shrinkage or the part where I’m sick for all of it? Have some chicken noodle soup, that will help. Great idea, right? Now my sodium content is higher than a jar of Claussen pickles, and my goodness do I feel better!
Next time you walk outside during the winter, (which, if you’re like me, you will be doing everyday for the next 5 months and it will feel like an eternity) try to find one person smiling. I dare you. Not even this meme of the monkey with his balls out can make someone smirk in this weather. Actually, maybe it can. Have you seen it? It’s one of the few things that can bring a smile to any face at this time of the year. It’s about to be a long dark winter, gang. So get your Costanza Gor-tex jackets ready and embrace the cold. Hey, it’s the price we pay for living in the best city in the world. Or worst, depending on your financial situation (luckily, I’m rich).
Since the holidays are essentially here, I figured I might as well share this bit from the one and only Jim Gaffigan.
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Written by: Josh Rosen.
